Where do I begin?
I love this fact of my birth, so maybe I’ll start there and see where it leads. I was born in the little Town of Spirit Lake. Years ago I was sharing that tidbit about myself with a friend and he sarcastically quipped, ‘Others were born there too, right?’ I didn’t know it at the time; my studies of A Course in Miracles hadn’t begun yet, that Bob was the reflection of my inner critic sent by the ego to burst the one happy bubble I proudly carried around about my birth.
As I write about that memory, another one from years past begins to fill my thoughts. I was curious about Psychotherapy and booked an appointment with a well-known Psychotherapist near my town. Within minutes of lying my body down on the couch and her saying, ‘So why are you here?’ I was bawling my eyes out over a childhood memory. I must have been 3 or 4 and it looks like some sort of holiday. I say that because everyone was there; four little girls all dressed alike in their pretty dresses, our mother and father; which was a rarity, if I’m remembering correctly, he was never there. I loved him so and I wanted him to leave the dog he was playing with alone and play with me, but he didn’t. It must have been traumatic at the time; there I was crying buckets over it thirty years later.
Two memories of hundreds maybe thousands that I’ve never shared with anyone. I allowed them to lay dormant in my mind, until now that is. Hmmm, I say dormant…but are they really? Dormant indicates they are temporarily inactive, not awake. But maybe these memories have always been active and awake, busily shaping a little girl’s personality and then handing a scarred and troubled adult over to the ego with a check mark indicating – seized and destroyed.
Just today I was riding in the car driven by my fiancé and well, one unfortunate word led to another and tears began to fall onto my cheeks. This is not the first time these same words rose up from their hideaway and landed a blow. It’s exhausting to wonder again – why can’t we get past this one annoying kink in our relationship? What more can be said to heal this festering wound?
Apologizing like always, he asked, ‘What happened?’ I was putting the pieces together in my mind and trying to understand, ‘Let me be quiet to think’, I responded.
We are both students of A Course in Miracles and pat ourselves on the backs when it comes to good communication; having moved mountains of bad behavior from other relationships in less than a year of our meeting, seemed an important fact of our success.
Minutes go by. He grabs my hand resting on my thigh and squeezes it gently, then looks away from the road and at me. I’m sure he’s wanting to see if I’m still thinking. He didn’t know the thinking had stopped…that I finally got quiet to listen. And that’s when I heard the voice. Well, not really a voice with sound and expression, no, it’s a knowing. It comes without fail to that still and quiet mind of mine; like an ‘aha’ kind of knowing. It’s the voice of the Holy Spirit whispering, ‘Details are ego thinking, and you will never make sense of the ego.’
We sat silently for the rest of the drive. An hour later; groceries stored away, dinner eaten and dishes done the moment came when we could talk; like grown-ups and lovers who truly wanted this one to work. I spoke of the message from the Holy Spirit, and he listened. We both knew it was right and never once focused on the harsh words that separated us more than an hour ago. So true…we can never make sense of the ego.
We got real clear this night. TMI! No more talking about the facts and details. When the ego thought projects outward and it will…forgive the person who reflected your thought, if you must. But most importantly, 1) forgive the thought, 2) invite the Holy Spirit to be present, and 3) hand it over to the Holy Spirit and silence it forever.
Your function here is only to decide against deciding what you want, in recognition that you do not know. A Course in Miracles
With love and gratitude. Savannah